BREAKING NEWS: I STARTED A NEWSPAPER FOR THIS POST

BREAKING NEWS: Wisconsin Head Coach Appeals to NCAA to Make Game Only 59 Minutes
MADISON WI. (AP)- University of Wisconsin football head coach Brett Bielema has released a petition that outlines a 59 minute football game to the NCAA Board of Directors. This announcement came in a press conference shortly following Wisconsin's loss last week against Ohio State. In an uncharacteristically angry rant that required no prompting from reporters, Bielema said "We are the best 59 minute team in the country!"
This outburst was the result of two straight weeks of heartbreaking losses in the final minute against two division foes. On Oct. 22, Wisconsin was beaten on a Hail Mary thrown by Kirk Cousins that barely broke the plane of the goal line after an official review. Although clearly dejected, Bielema did not let his temper get the best of him in the post-game interview. 
Last weekend was a different matter. After watching his team battle back in the fourth quarter to tie the game, Bielema was forced to watch as Ohio State quarterback (name here) scrambled from the pocket to throw a 40-yard pass to his receiver who was waiting in the end zone. This pushed Bielema over the edge in the postgame press conference. "The NCAA has been extending games for far too long!" said Bielema. 
When asked his opinion on this rule change considering the fact that no. 6 ranked Stanford would have lost in their game against USC if this rule change was implemented, Bielema seethed "Do you really think I give a flying (explicative) whether Stanford loses?! Those mother(explicative) have been ahead of us all year long."
The NCAA has yet to respond to this proposition put forth by Bielema. 

The Irony In The Hipster Movement

Ohmygosh! Its the new big thing! Being... not mainstream.... is becoming... wait for it... mainstream! Oh the irony. This of course is the hipster movement. This movement is the reason anthropologists will be baffled by our culture in 250+ years. This movement endorses all of the things that get pushed under the rug by the rest of society! For example, cigarette smoking has been deplored by our society, yet hipsters can't be caught without their pack of "American Spirit" cancer sticks. Even if they don't smoke. Another example: Pabst Blue Ribbon. It has been pretty well established that nobody in America likes PBR, but because noone likes it, PBR has become the national beer of the hipster movement. Wait. Scratch that. You can't have endorsements! Wayyyyyy too mainstream. 
It is forbidden by the Hipster Handbook: We can't have a handbook! It's Already Been Done! to wear any clothes that cost more than 5$ but less than 75$. If its under 5$ then its thrifty and chic, but more than 75$ shows sophistication and class. (And you wonder why the middle class is deteriorating!!!) This has seen the market for cut-off khaki skinny jeans explode in the last 5 years. Guess that one slipped past Wall Street. 
If you want to listen to music, it has to be from no-name indie bands that play folk and slow mellow rock. If this band hasn't released an album and has just leaked its songs online, that is a huge bonus. And movies? European or indie. No excuses! Hollywood is just so cliché! 
The accessories are the most important part of any hipster wardrobe. A belt would be way too popular, so whoever had the idea of wearing a shoelace as a belt is up for the Hipster Nobel Prize. Next comes the silicone band with the small digital readout (because everyone has a big clock)that pairs with the snapback hat that endorses the obscure sports team whose mediocrity has led hipsters everywhere to support them. The retro designs that adorn these hats are just perfect for hipsters. But if its too cold for a snapback, you'll see hipsters wearing a solid color knitted/crocheted beanie thats hanging halfway off their head. That's the thrifty side of the hipster outfit, cause there is no way that could ever be classy... And the sunglasses! Oh the sunglasses. The brightly colored cheap Ray-Ban knock off's are just splendid. They match truly any outfit, because trashy never goes out of style!
The shoes vary and actually fit into normal society. Boat shoes and Toms have become all the rage in the hipster community (seems kinda contradictory right?)These aren't even brightly colored or anything. These shoes are actually kinda normal.
After all this, I'm just glad the little-known cafe I'm writing this at has outdoor WiFi so I can sit outside and smoke my American Spirit's. Oh God!! It's happening to me too!! Heeeeeelpppp!

Birthday Wishes To You

What has made birthdays into a revered day that is celebrated so greatly? To avoid sounding too much like my father, birthday's do deserve some merit and do not deserve to be pushed under the rug and ignored. However, at the same time, why does someone deserve a party, gifts, and special treatment for surviving another year in a middle-class suburban society. The environments in which surviving 365 more days should be celebrated often isn't: mainly because there are bigger issues at hand, such as surviving 24 more hours. You will never see a birthday cake with 12 candles for a child soldier in a war-torn third world country, but that is where a birthday should be celebrated the most.

In America, which I am going to blanket as a middle-class white suburban environment mainly because that is how I live, birthdays have become an event that is planned out more than a wedding. Kids are asked to make a list of things that they want, almost a reward for turning the age of 6 in such a pampered life that their birthday is "horrible" if they dont get everything they want. (greedy selfish basterds...) A birthday has morphed from a celebration of life to a way to establish your position in the niche that you live in. For example, if little Johnnny gets to pin the tail on a real donkey, he is the coolest kid in the neighborhood; but only until little Susie gets a bounce house at her birthday. The cycle continues until parents are taking their kids on vacations for their birthdays. (Editor's Note: I know I'm receiving a plane ticket to Seattle for my birthday, but that is to visit family. Just a little clarification there.) Oftentimes, it is the family that can throw the best party for their child that is the head of their social niche. It has turned into a competition of such proportions that I am fully expecting Hollywood to come up with a movie that pits neighbor mothers against each other in an attempt to one-up the other kid's birthday. (Someone call Steve Martin...) SPOILER ALERT: They ruin the parties for the respective kids and the kids make their own party and celebrate it together. 

But I digress....

To switch sides in defense of birthdays, there are a few that deserve to be celebrated because of the position in society that you elevate yourself to. According to society, once you have lived 5,844 days then you are old and mature enough to drive; and at 6,574 you are suddenly able to decide whether to smoke a cigar or a pack of cigarrettes... But not a day before! These are the ages that should be celebrated in their own way. Sixteen demonstrates a coming of age in which you are given responsibilities unlike any that have been experienced yet. And at 18 you are suddenly an adult and thrown out into the world of unlimited liability; certainly a party is in order to drink away those sorrows! 

All that being said, there is still one thing that perplexes me: why do you get presents! What about a birthday screams "THEY NEED A NEW iPhone!" This again seems like a way for parents to show off what they can afford to give their kids, but it reflects badly on their kids. Anyone whose parents "gave" them a car seem a tad bit spoiled to me. Yet, if they gave it to them for their sixteenth birthday then it is widely accepted. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this conversation.

-My parents just bought me a new car!

-Why? Did they just give it to you?

-No of course not! It was for my sixteenth birthday.

-Oh. That's sweet!

Here's the irony in that... the parents did "just give" it to them. Oh the ability of a teenager to mask a give-away as a reward for living sixteen years in the parents over-sheltered and spoiled middle-class life. But it is all okay if you put a bow on it and make it a birthday present. 

Oh well. Hey, that's the 'Murican perspective on birthday's. So here is to celebrating that you were born. Now... about scripting that children's movie.......

Hey look! I have a blog!

After a long inner monolog between me, myself and I, I came to a conclusion. "People should be able to see inside my head sometimes!" I guess now we can see if other people feel the same way. Now, instead of people being forced to listen to me, I just figured I would make a blog. At first I told people (and by people I mean my mommy) that I would be thrilled to get 6 regular readers. Then I realized I needed to slow my roll and not get too ambitious, so 3 is more reasonable. So now that I have nothing more to say and no way to wrap this up in a clever or intelligent way.... Enjoy!

READER DISCRETION ADVISED: This blog is unedited and is not looking to avoid hurting feelings. I call em like I see em; if you get offended easily I would not advise reading this regularly. Sorry in advance if that includes you.