BREAKING NEWS: Mother Earth Holds Winter Hostage
Earth (AP) - In a shocking development, it has been released that Mother Earth is holding winter hostage. The ransom has been released as "less than 7 billion" permanent residents of Earth.
In a statement released by the EPA on Friday, Mother Earth has held winter captive for an indefinite amount of time. According to reports, Mother Earth was quoted as saying, "You silly humans will suffer for the stress that you have put on me. Say goodbye to your foolish sports-on-snow." Winter will be held in captivity until the global population drops below 7 billion.
Global leaders have gathered in Washington to assess all possibilities. Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad was quoted as saying, "We are doing all we can in Syria to meet these demands. It is unfortunate that we must be the martyr, but we will burden this sacrifice." European nations were absent at these negotiations because they "did not believe this is real."
President Obama has been surprisingly proactive thus far in dealings with Mother Earth by arranging several meeting to discuss demands and what must be done to release winter. In an attempt at intimidation, Clint Eastwood, Liam Neeson and Daniel Inouye were present at the negotiating table. According to sources at the Pentagon, Seal Team 6 is being prepped for a rescue mission.
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