I Bought Into It

So after rejecting the Super Bowl this year, I finally got sucked into the vortex of hype that is the finale of the NFL season. I got sucked so far down into the black hole of consumerism that I came up with a few ideas for the Super Bowl next year, starting with having anyone not named Madonna or Nicki Minaj preform at halftime.

Make It Into A Four-Day Festival
Think about it. The Super Bowl is already a hundred million dollar day, so why not make it into a four day long event? Have a quarter a day and have a city-wide block party afterward. The ad money would literally quadruple! And can you imagine the quality of play? They would be well rested for each quarter and we wouldn't have to suffer through another fourth-quarter like last years. After each day, there would be a huge open-air festival with bands that are actually relevant (Jay-Z, Beyonce, LMFAO, Bruno Mars, Katy Perry, Trace Adkins/Toby Keith, Maroon 5 etc). I want a pig roasted over a fire and drums in the background while Wes Welker throws fire in the air. Lei's for everybody!
Have A Super Bowl Channel And An Ad Channel
I hate it when I'm trying to watch hilarious ads, then all of the sudden a football game starts. It's the worst. It's almost as bad as when a hockey game breaks out during a "Fighting On Ice" special. So can I please have a station that is only the advertisements and none of this football nonsense. Imagine how quickly you could get the game over with too if they didn't pause the game for commercials every three plays.
Align New Years With The Super Bowl
A new year can't start in the middle of a football season, it's just un-American. So move the New Year's celebration to the minute that the Super Bowl ends. I can picture it now: 1.3 million people crowded into Times Square, watching the Big Game on the sides of skyscrapers, counting down the seconds to the New Year as Tom Brady throws a hail mary pass. New York would have gone crazy on Sunday night! Also, this would justify your raging hangover on Monday.

Alright, someone call Roger Goodell. You know what, I'll just have Ndamukong Suh and James Harrison deliver it to his door personally. He'll get the message then.